Anger

&^%$% I'm pissed. I am so angry I feel consumed by it. More so, in the past week. I need to stop. Give up..and walk away. Nothing is going to change by myself. Can't fix what both don't want to fix.I can't make someone act as if they care and love me. Either they get or they don't.

I'm dealing with a lot of anger and resentment these days. I'm angry that this is happening to me. Angry that Randy get's to live his life easily without me. As, if I don't exist. He can easily just act as if I am nothing more then I had been to date. Someone he plays wow with.

No one can understand how badly I just want him to call and tell me this is one huge mistake. A big terrible mistake. I would do anything to make this all just go away.And do what it takes to make things different. Change. Not all these weak cowardly excuses *shrugs* and silence. The silence kills me, Eats away at my very core, my spirit. If you don't care even about what your supposed to hold dear...what will you? The only excuse I can seem to understand is that it isn't that important to him as it was to me.


I'm mad because I thought Randy good person and believed he'd never make me feel the we he has.That when he made all those promises he intended and had the fortitude to keep them to the best of his abilities. He just doesn't seem to care to keep a single one. It all been one big lie after another and I got taken.

Why am I still here? Randy has his career, his friends, his family..a lot more to live for in this world....I have done nothing.I have no place anywhere, but to just wait to exist some where..to someone. I am tired of being disposable, throw away, and insignificant. For once I had hoped I mattered.

Its the weirdest thing to look at pictures of my husband and feel so distant....so detached. I'm mad at myself for feeling like I don know my husband anymore. I'm mad I can't reach through and just touch him or pick up my phone and call with all this pain inside. I'm forgetting what his smile looks like in person. It has been over 2 months since I last saw him. Last time I kissed and hugged him. Do you know how mad that makes me. Knowing that no matter how hard I want or beg for it....I can't have it. I had my whole life planned out in my mind with him. Now I have to start over , again. Alone. End a life I feel like I just started.

Now its all gone. All taken away. This makes me furious beyond belief because if anyone deserved to live their life in some moments of happiness. It was us 3. Now it won't ever be. I am alone in so many ways. Life, love, communication, support, affection...all absent and gone.It's not fair. I want to scream!Just disappear permentally as I have to others minds and lives.


I am sure he has his own anger also, but he does nothing to bond with me emotionally. Talk, communicate, let any type of emotions out about how he feels . He just shuts the doors, and ignores and leaves me sitting in silence alone. Simple things like getting on the cam and smiling, or calling to say I miss you, or take an active direct role in addressing the fact he is VERY well aware I am extremely sad, lonely, and depressed...instead he withdraws, ignores, and silence..


When we are together we don't act affectionate either. No sex, or cuddling, or tenderness. No hand holding, romantic silliness that newlyneds or people in love do. No snuggling just to be close to one another..no tender kisses, touches, or anything that makes me feel as i am beautiful ..to him.When we do attempt to cuddle its when going to bed and I crawl up on him and force myself on him. Never does he start it, offer it because he knows I need it or even desire on his own. Did he really want a wife or just the paperwork of one?


Nothing more invalidating them making me more isolated and disconnected. What else am I to do? You you make feel as I am nothing..then I am exactly that Nothing in your mind. Why should someone stay to just be nothing?

Why am I really angry? Probably the underline issues for me seems to be. He does nothing to make feel he loves me. I can't make him feel it either.

I am more then I am allowed

13 days....

13 days i get to be a wife for 3 days

I get to feel like a matter in my husband eyes for a few days and feel devoid til December til I see him yet again for maybe 3 days once more....





I have had a few relationships .Only 2 started them long distance.



Only one of them (current one) transitioned to being in-person (after about a year dating )I stated to my then friend( now husband) developing into a lover/BF I can not allow myself to get involved in a LDR .In my opinion, the longer a relationship goes without some form of in-person component , the more the relationship becomes about your fantasy of your relationship than about the real person who is your partner.You aren't interacting with their in-person quirks and annoyances, things like that. You're idealizing them, and they're idealizing you. The person you're falling in love with: that idealized version of your partner, no tthe real person who is your partner .



For that reason, I have a rule: if there isn't a concrete solution to why you're separated in the first place within 6 months, then it's never going to be a real relationship. That doesn't mean it wont last for a while, it means it wont ever be a serious life-partner type relationship.I also stated to my husband before marriage I won't do LDR we either make this work or we don't do it at all. I won't be a LD wife/gf/lover to anyone. I've waited my entire life for completeness, security, the wholeness of a 'family" component being isolated and separated just makes me worse.



That said ... that doesn't mean you can't have a successful long distance relationship .It just means you have to recognize the different aspects for what they are, and address them for what they are. Either I'm your full time wife or I'm some girl you're screwing hundreds of miles away. Take your pick so I know where I stand.

Frustrated

My husband never talks about the little things about life. I feel like big chunks of his life are a mystery to me. If wanted to know what he did on a daily basis: what he ate, where he slept, what his leisure time was like. He thought all of that was too boring to share, so I have to drag details out of him. Usually I get one-word answers. I eventually will give up trying to picture what his life is like while he's downrange.

I blogged about this not long ago and two comments come to mind. He can picture me sitting at my desk, eating in my kitchen, doing my hair in the bathroom because these are familiar things, so he has a visual. For me, I have no visual, so unless he sends tons of video/photos I have nothing to help me "see" what he's doing, so I ask questions - 'whats the chow hall like?" "what are you eating?" "how are the bathrooms?" "describe your room.". When I have to frame of reference my mind tries to create ones, which if left to it own accord will be drawn by fears and insecurities.

The second comment that comes to mind is friend that replied, "Sounds like your husband 'forgot to unpack his adjectives'. Which totally crack's me up.

I love him dearly though.

Power of Choice

Repost here


Power of Choice

by MiSensualPet 9 months ago

I am grateful for reconising and embracing the greatest power within all of us

The greatest power that you hold is the power of choice, because every choice you make dictates every result you get in your life – good or bad. And most importantly, every decision you make starts in your mind.

All of us start out with this incredible power, yet so many give it away by refusing to step up and be accountable for their decisions. Sadly, most people choose to be a victim of circumstances and others, and never recognize that they are choosing that position.

Look at some of the most successful people in the world, or even those that are around you, and you’ll find one thing in common – those who are consistently successful and happy do not choose the role of victim.

Allowing yourself to take on that role robs you of your ability to change your circumstance. As long as you feel that the problem or reason is “outside of you”, you instantly yield your personal power, and become the result of someone else’s choices. The moment you decide it’s your responsibility, the world literally shifts for you.

I began practicing one of the most powerful habits I have a few years ago, every time I ran into a situation where something didn’t go the way I had hoped. Instead of looking around for someone to blame, or some excuse to justify it, I would simply ask myself, “What role did I play in this?” I was reminded of this ritual I have today and I am grateful for the reality check. Not because the person who gave it to me was trying to show love or support. In the end . I found it for myself.

While most of us would like to believe it’s “never our fault” when things go wrong, the fact is we almost always have some responsibility when things go wrong. Whether it’s a business relationship, a marriage, or anything else, the willingness to accept your part is the difference between living in power, or living in regret.I grew up with my freedom of choice stripped away from me and I fought everyday for every ounce I claim today.

When you’re honest with yourself, you’ll find a lot of situations where you did play a part .. and the moment you’re willing to accept it, that allows you to then learn from that experience.When you learn you grow, and the chance's of making the same mistake's is lessoned.

You get to choose whether you play the victim, or the victor – and your understanding of the power of choice will dictate almost everything happens in your life!

You are making choices every minute of your life – what to think about next, how to feel, where to place your attention, and what you’re going to say. The quality of your life is determined simply by the choices that you make along the way.

For this huge freedom I am grateful.

who wants to carve and existance with me

I posted this over a year ago to my blog ranting about how much I hated beign single.


I am sharing it here *shurgs * I don't know. In case someone, someday..read's my ramble's.

Saturday Evening after very confusing a dispute with a close personal friend at Wicked.I stayed up til 5am sorta just...staring at my walls and disparaging in my loneliness. And I realized breifly....



I fucking hate being single.

All of my relationship archetypes I envision are ones where I can just be stupid and young. Sleep in naked under the sheets in the morning sun, stay up late, get up early, "learn how our bodies work," dream together, fail together, and build a life together. Is that too much to ask?

I just want someone who has the same vibrant and beautiful aspirations, someone who can appreciate my darkly sexual side and my passionate romanticism, my youthful emotions and self discovery, who carries a dictionary vocabulary, style with a capital S, and I want someone who knows we live in amazing time period.

Someone self aware, who knows what self realization is and is working for it. Someone who is as lost as I am. Someone who doesnt care that I'm whiny, Im geeky, self loathing, that I hate organized religion, that I hate the smell of cigarettes but I love the smell of vanilla, that I'm moved by flowers, that I cry a lot, that Im far from fucking perfect but I make a beautiful disaster, that I have sexual binges, that I'm obsessive compulsive and neurotic but yet I can let all kinds of stuff slide cuz I'm compassionate or just damn lazy, that I'll listen to emo songs ad nasueum, that I swear like a sailor and love wierd, fucked up movies,write constantly, think far too deeply for far too long that I love Farmer's markets and museums, that I can waste hours playing video games and not give a shit, and yet through of all that...still loves me.

I just want someone who's self confident, who loves the person they are because they know I love them, who doesn't give a shit that we are making out in a 5 star restaurant and people are watching, someone who listens to shitty music and hates yet loves the world all the same with me, who wants to carve and existance with me that other people can read about and stare in envy and amazement. Someone who will grow old with me and at 80, we can still play Halo 2 on a game port and drink wine while laughing about all the wierd shit we did as kids. Someone who only shaves every few days cuz he knows I find his stubble strangely sexy, someone who actually wants to marry me and knows im a nut case and doesn't seem to notice one bit. Someone whos fiscally responsible and educated, but doesnt mind paying for something of quality.

Someone strong emotionally and physically, but given to his own moments of vulnerability and shows himself to me. Someone who makes me want to live all the more because being with them makes life seem inifinitely better. Someone who loves Spoken word but isnt a rapper. Looks deeper into the situation, but ins't a philospher.I want someone generational.

I want someone who understands this and me...because It's them.

But maybe that's just too much to ask for...







The somple reality of it all

"who wants to carve and existance with me "

I am just the Mommie. I can't be the Daddie.

The thing that no one ever asks, though, is what was it like to raise 2 children completely alone?. How did I explain to two children that their father wasn't ever coming into our life? How did I manage to stay level-headed enough to feed them every morning and put them to sleep every night when my whole life had crumbled to bits around me and there was no one else to step in and do it?

No one asks, because it’s too hard to explain. No one asks, because either you've done it yourself and you know how hard it is, or you've never even contemplated such a reality and so you don't even know how or what to ask. No one asks, because it’s just a given that a mother will always be there for her children, even when the father is not.

And when they do ask, I don't even know how to answer. All I know is that when I had my kids— a miracle of its own — I felt like my whole world began and had ended, and so I had my kids’. I remember thinking, How am I ever going to do this on my own? How can I possibly do this alone? And what’s going to become of my kids without a father?

I had decided in my mind I didn't want anymore children. Lots of reason why I explained but simple fact is. I don't want to raise yet another child without a father. However difficult my life was, at least if I knew that my child had a father. There was someone besides me who loved them as much as I did and looked forward to their progress each day. There was someone to coach them through the first-bottle stages and the learning-to-sleep-through-the-night stages, and someone to give them their first haircut. There was someone to assemble their cribs, and later their tricycles, and someone to teach them about cars and trucks and building blocks. There was someone to take them to their babysitter every morning and to read them stories at night. When people asked me how I'd managed to hold on to a dysfunctional life for so long, I said, “I do it for my kids.” And it is true



But there was no choice. Everything is left up to me. Diapering. Toilet training. Shopping for Lego's and Pokemons. Deciding when to start teaching blessings.. Buying the first bike, and realizing the blatant truth at every birthday for my children. All on me. There was no one else around to help out, to coach and to teach, to make decisions with me. It was all, and I mean all, on me.

How am I supposed to do this all by myself, and do it right, too?
Left up to only me to make the decisions about when it’s too much dessert and when it’s time to start going to school.. And there are so many decisions to make, so many things to figure out. I sometimes feel like saying, I’ve never been a mother before. I never had a motherly role model. How am I supposed to do this all by myself, and do it right, too?

There are so many days when I'm just putting on an act, pretending that my heart is not crying out in pain and that we’re a normal family like any other. There are so many days when I don't know how I'm going to make it through till bedtime, when I feel like I've reached my saturation point and I can't possibly last another moment. Yet I keep going. I make it through the day, and I make it through the night, and then I make it through the next day and the next night.

I do it for my kids, because I know that they have no one else. Without a father, they need a mommy. They needed the sense of stability I provide, and he needs the sense of normalcy. Day in, day out, I teach my son to follow rules and to behave nicely, to treat each other respect and to treat Mommy properly. Day in, day out, I make supper and hug him at night, I do the laundry and I pick up the toys. I do it because it needs to be done, and if I don't do it no one else will. And I do it for them, because if I don't it won't get done.

I can't provide the other half of the parenting equation. I know I can't, because I've tried, and it doesn't work. But I can be a mommy, and I am a mommy. And I do the best I can, every day, to provide son with what he needs with everything I have.

Yes, it’s all on me. It’s a job that requires superhuman effort, this job of single-parenthood, but he need's – and I need him too

and that’s why I work so hard to achieve normalcy, for all of us. Because as long as our home life carries with it a sense of normalcy, of stability, I know they'll be okay.

Note: My daughter has not resided with me for the past 5 years now. So, while I write and Include her in my thoughts. She has not been part of our day to day household and activities for some time now. So if my writting confuses you sometimes... this is an explaination. I miss being able to raise her to adult hood, but sometimes our best efforts to be do the very best ...it is not enough.

A Wedding Without...filling the void.

I never considered this topic because I deeply believed I would never marry in my lifetime. Here I am. Oh, how life reminds us to never 'assume"

I have a very hard time around holiday's. many reasons why. Usually money issues, but the most profound impact on me emtionally because is it a very 'in your face kinda of way" that I have no family. The people who are 'supposed" to be my family I wouldn't let near my gold fish (if I had any) I don't need to go into very graphic details as to why.(It would take too long and I'm working on creating postive life experiences and not rehashing all my bad ones I have)


Me getting married is one time frame when I am once again reminded I am 'alone" Thankfully I have decided to not look at the lack of famila presense and focus on the fact my Husband loves and wants me ;and is willing to publicly announce it to all his family, friends, and co workers. Thats HUGE to me.Words can not even begin convey.

People I considered my 'friends" I did invite have yet to rsvp to tell me they are not coming, but I am very prepared they won't either.Who knows maybe one or two will surprise me.

And, of course, underneath my emotionality, I realize that where money or health is concerned, rational decisions are a large priority over my daydreams of a “perfect” day.


Small, but simple.Thats fine with me. More my style anyways . The real priority should be trusting the one person who should matter in the grande scheme of it all and their decision in marrying me in the first place.

It’s a small success that today I don’t feel nearly as blue as I did last week, but I am still struggling to feel excited about our wedding again with the knowledge that I yet again am drudging through my life moments, looking back and finding vast emptiness.