I never considered this topic because I deeply believed I would never marry in my lifetime. Here I am. Oh, how life reminds us to never 'assume"
I have a very hard time around holiday's. many reasons why. Usually money issues, but the most profound impact on me emtionally because is it a very 'in your face kinda of way" that I have no family. The people who are 'supposed" to be my family I wouldn't let near my gold fish (if I had any) I don't need to go into very graphic details as to why.(It would take too long and I'm working on creating postive life experiences and not rehashing all my bad ones I have)
Me getting married is one time frame when I am once again reminded I am 'alone" Thankfully I have decided to not look at the lack of famila presense and focus on the fact my Husband loves and wants me ;and is willing to publicly announce it to all his family, friends, and co workers. Thats HUGE to me.Words can not even begin convey.
People I considered my 'friends" I did invite have yet to rsvp to tell me they are not coming, but I am very prepared they won't either.Who knows maybe one or two will surprise me.
And, of course, underneath my emotionality, I realize that where money or health is concerned, rational decisions are a large priority over my daydreams of a “perfect” day.
Small, but simple.Thats fine with me. More my style anyways . The real priority should be trusting the one person who should matter in the grande scheme of it all and their decision in marrying me in the first place.
It’s a small success that today I don’t feel nearly as blue as I did last week, but I am still struggling to feel excited about our wedding again with the knowledge that I yet again am drudging through my life moments, looking back and finding vast emptiness.
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