*yawns*
I have been as of late. Workign on my self modivation skill's . In perpation of my precieved life style change once i move. Either if i don't move it is still a postive change in my day to day life. So, I will attempt to continue with it reguardless of the move.
I have been going to bed before midnight. No more staying up til 3 am dead tired , can't sleep mind racing. If it chooes to race i do so in my bed in the dark , eyes closed trying to retrain my brain to shut the hell up. Its time to sleep.
Every mornign I have a new routine of getting up at &:30 am..get Gabe up modivated as well to do morning activites befroe school. Where as before I crawled back into bed. I turn on my tv, make a pot of coffee, and start my 30 minute ( or more if i can push myself) to walk on the tread mill. yes I use the tv to distract my brain to not focus on the fact I am exercising. afterwards, I come on my facebook, fetlife, and blog and write while I eat my break fest. I try to make sure i do all this before 10 am . Usually in the past I didn't bother to keep a plan because I never went anywhere so why bother?
New routines I have are: dishwasher unloaded in the am, dishes washed at night and loaded and ran( if full) Another bad habiat I am trying to recurb so make it more managible then I have in the past.
I cut out certain foods but I am not on a diet. Yes, like many depressed people who sat for many years on the PC I gained alot of weight. Not enough for others to think Im over weight but enough to make me unhappy and very noctible to myself just how out of shape I am anymore. I notice the helth issues i am gaining because of it also. I dont want to be a fat, unhealthy, lonely, old lady with nothing to show for her life .
A friend recently said. "Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die."
I completely understand what he was saying and he is right. I have been slowly dying , day by day. Bit by bit. I have allowed it. Trainig myself to live when I have spent my entire life daily dying is going to be hard and painful, but in the long run. worth it. I am thankful for friends like him in my life now. I havea great deal fo respect for this friend. They want nothign from me , no hidden Agendas, no secret crush, no emotional dumping ground. it is very refreshing. I want more people like this in my life. I want to be a person like this in other's lives.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sunshine and Rain
It takes both the sun and the rain to make a rainbow.
-author unknown.
I’m going to discuss a subject that now the clouds have lifting.Writing is my version of therapy. Words {lots of them} hold me by the hand as I work through a tangle of feelings and thoughts. These words have been written and rewritten over many days and still seem jumbled. It took months to realize the subject I was writing about. Then my pride got in the way and I’d delay hitting the publish button. After all, it’s pretty hard to give the impression of a perfectly happy life when discussing clinical depression.My dreary days and breakdowns – silly and serious – they have been my reality. I’m still one foot in, another out. But I have been exposed, my flaws so carefully hidden, revealed. Growth often hurts, but makes us stronger.
I want to see the good in thing. The big and little pieces that come together to make simple days extraordinary.But during the last few years I’ve felt just down right....well, barely breathing.
What is my problem? Is it the winter weather? Do I need to order one of those special lights?
Where did I go wrong? Wasn’t this what I wanted? I’d carefully plotted things out for my family. Single. Independent .I can to this ..who needs a Husband. I can be super mom. And yet this “mother going through the motions” was not a part of the plan.
I’m still not sure why I have been blindsided by this. One would assume that the majority of major depression I’ve experienced in my life occurred after My children were born.Was I intentionally going through the motions. It’s called survival. My “plan” was to slowly process my emotions while “doing,” rather than being hit by a Mack truck all at once. Ah, to be so naive.
I often walk the line wondering what is “too much” to share. This is the place where I come to honestly share the beautiful moments of life.. Yet I’ve come to the conclusion that if I don't include this and the other not so shiny parts, I would be leaving out details that good or bad, have shaped and molded me into who I am today. What I am writing about today has to do with me – not my childrenThis my story. A broken girl, living in a broken world trying to muddle her way through some deep “stuff” while still believing that in brokenness, there is hope.
So here it goes…
I found myself in over my head, fighting battles I though I had long since won. They blinded me like the sun and for some reason at the most unexpected times, I found myself staring at the fiery star.
But I did. I would get lost into my kids,School,chores,run errands , run a household,Play make shift support systems to countless strangers I called "friends", wipe noses, help little feet into pajamas, brush teeth, avoid going on “dates”.
Maybe I can do this.
Wait, I am doing this. We were going to be OK.
Then came the anger. I questioned my everything. Why did Courtney end up the way she had? Why did all my afforts and love magically seem to disappear and not matter anymore? Why was my family they way they where? and why was I sooo mad. Then sad. Lost somewhere in the middle.
Followed by the “what-ifs.” What if I never had kids.... What if i had a differnt parents?
I truly thought I had “dealt” with those feelings and was upset for dredging them up. I discovered that I need to be patient with myself. That with each milestone life brings, these feelings will probably crop up.
This isn’t a reflection of my feelings for children. I would never change a single thing that makes them who they are. It’s an act of letting go. Letting go of the script *I* had written for my life and embracing the one that was written for me, by the One who knows me. I’m still loosening my grip.
Then came the exhaustion. It was like nothing I had experienced. Round and round I went, making myself dizzy.
I don’t think I’m doing this whole mom thing right. I’ve needed so much help. Maybe I’m not cut out for this.
The real me doesn’t think like this. I’m confident. I don’t question my parenting, or the decisions I’ve made for my children. I know I can do this.
I used took so many pictures of my kids. Proof – they were happy. That while I was barely keeping my head above water, they were blissfully unaware. That life went on, and it was good.
I realized this was more than just “one bad day after another” when I stopped taking their pictures. No more laughter in our house is a red flag that something is wrong.
The storm has let up, maybe even passed. I question why it stayed so long. Perhaps I was walking along with it, caught up in my own rain?
I see glimmers of truth and hope. I could continue to believe the dark reasoning that it’s up to me to figure this out on my own. Or I can trust that I was made to be loved and through grace and mercy I will once again see that I am.I am however stubborn.
The sun was shining and I went walking with Gabriel. It felt good to stretch my legs and breathe in the fresh air. I intend to do that more often.
I noticed changes in me and my thought processes once I found myself oen day dancing while making lunch for Gabriel. Gabe giggled and clapped at the sight of his silly mommy. I used to always make up dances for my favorite audience. Somewhere along the way I stopped. Today we danced.
I pulled out my camera out of the cubboard collecting dust and started to take pictures again..............
In my Yesterday it rained. Today is sunny. Tomorrow looks even brighter.
I think it time I start to live again and breathe.
-author unknown.
I’m going to discuss a subject that now the clouds have lifting.Writing is my version of therapy. Words {lots of them} hold me by the hand as I work through a tangle of feelings and thoughts. These words have been written and rewritten over many days and still seem jumbled. It took months to realize the subject I was writing about. Then my pride got in the way and I’d delay hitting the publish button. After all, it’s pretty hard to give the impression of a perfectly happy life when discussing clinical depression.My dreary days and breakdowns – silly and serious – they have been my reality. I’m still one foot in, another out. But I have been exposed, my flaws so carefully hidden, revealed. Growth often hurts, but makes us stronger.
I want to see the good in thing. The big and little pieces that come together to make simple days extraordinary.But during the last few years I’ve felt just down right....well, barely breathing.
What is my problem? Is it the winter weather? Do I need to order one of those special lights?
Where did I go wrong? Wasn’t this what I wanted? I’d carefully plotted things out for my family. Single. Independent .I can to this ..who needs a Husband. I can be super mom. And yet this “mother going through the motions” was not a part of the plan.
I’m still not sure why I have been blindsided by this. One would assume that the majority of major depression I’ve experienced in my life occurred after My children were born.Was I intentionally going through the motions. It’s called survival. My “plan” was to slowly process my emotions while “doing,” rather than being hit by a Mack truck all at once. Ah, to be so naive.
I often walk the line wondering what is “too much” to share. This is the place where I come to honestly share the beautiful moments of life.. Yet I’ve come to the conclusion that if I don't include this and the other not so shiny parts, I would be leaving out details that good or bad, have shaped and molded me into who I am today. What I am writing about today has to do with me – not my childrenThis my story. A broken girl, living in a broken world trying to muddle her way through some deep “stuff” while still believing that in brokenness, there is hope.
So here it goes…
I found myself in over my head, fighting battles I though I had long since won. They blinded me like the sun and for some reason at the most unexpected times, I found myself staring at the fiery star.
But I did. I would get lost into my kids,School,chores,run errands , run a household,Play make shift support systems to countless strangers I called "friends", wipe noses, help little feet into pajamas, brush teeth, avoid going on “dates”.
Maybe I can do this.
Wait, I am doing this. We were going to be OK.
Then came the anger. I questioned my everything. Why did Courtney end up the way she had? Why did all my afforts and love magically seem to disappear and not matter anymore? Why was my family they way they where? and why was I sooo mad. Then sad. Lost somewhere in the middle.
Followed by the “what-ifs.” What if I never had kids.... What if i had a differnt parents?
I truly thought I had “dealt” with those feelings and was upset for dredging them up. I discovered that I need to be patient with myself. That with each milestone life brings, these feelings will probably crop up.
This isn’t a reflection of my feelings for children. I would never change a single thing that makes them who they are. It’s an act of letting go. Letting go of the script *I* had written for my life and embracing the one that was written for me, by the One who knows me. I’m still loosening my grip.
Then came the exhaustion. It was like nothing I had experienced. Round and round I went, making myself dizzy.
I don’t think I’m doing this whole mom thing right. I’ve needed so much help. Maybe I’m not cut out for this.
The real me doesn’t think like this. I’m confident. I don’t question my parenting, or the decisions I’ve made for my children. I know I can do this.
I used took so many pictures of my kids. Proof – they were happy. That while I was barely keeping my head above water, they were blissfully unaware. That life went on, and it was good.
I realized this was more than just “one bad day after another” when I stopped taking their pictures. No more laughter in our house is a red flag that something is wrong.
The storm has let up, maybe even passed. I question why it stayed so long. Perhaps I was walking along with it, caught up in my own rain?
I see glimmers of truth and hope. I could continue to believe the dark reasoning that it’s up to me to figure this out on my own. Or I can trust that I was made to be loved and through grace and mercy I will once again see that I am.I am however stubborn.
The sun was shining and I went walking with Gabriel. It felt good to stretch my legs and breathe in the fresh air. I intend to do that more often.
I noticed changes in me and my thought processes once I found myself oen day dancing while making lunch for Gabriel. Gabe giggled and clapped at the sight of his silly mommy. I used to always make up dances for my favorite audience. Somewhere along the way I stopped. Today we danced.
I pulled out my camera out of the cubboard collecting dust and started to take pictures again..............
In my Yesterday it rained. Today is sunny. Tomorrow looks even brighter.
I think it time I start to live again and breathe.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Many eggs may be lost in the struggle
Eggs are a great breakfast food aren't they? It's a pity about the cholesterol but they are pretty tasty to have now and again. I like the Egg McMuffin because of the round chunk of egg inside them, I like soft boiled eggs and dipping my toast into the golden yoke and I like the allure of the poached egg with its yoke veiled in a long white dress.
Going back to the McMuffin, how do they get the egg perfect like that everytime? Is it that they buy them frozen like that and just reheat them or are they actually cooked on the premises? I don't know. Well, now you know I like eggs but I also like gadgets. OK, so now put the two together and you have Egg-Gadgets, that's right and I'm up for a cheap gagdet now and then.
Well, I kept the instruction on the card and put the device away until I required an egg next. Not for several weeks I have to say and by that time I'm sorry to say that the instructions were nowhere to be found. "I have it!" I shout, running like a possessed geek to the computer "t'net will 'ave it" (for suddenly I've adopted a Northern accent) and into Google I do type "microwave egg poacher instructions" and there I do find some instructions. 4.5 minutes on a 600 watt microwave at 50 per cent power. My stomach is rumbling really bad because last time I ate was lunchtime and it's going dinner time now
So now I'm well up for some egg to go with the garlic toastI'm cooking in the oven (that are just almost cooked). So I make some quick calculations in my head: I have an 800 watt oven.( or was it 1800 watt, Oh no all these numbers) I have no idea what formula I should use to calculate this but like every idoit who doesn't know how to program their own vcr much less their microwave I authoritatively dial in the first number that comes into my head (3mins 30 sec) pretending there is some scientific pretext.
I stand proud. On goes the light, round goes the turntable and my stomach shouts "FOOD!". I think to get a plate, take the toast out of the oven and arrange them (leaving a nice roundish shape for my lovely well-formed egg disk to go into). "I think I'll just..." BOOM KAPOW! Oh no! Egg disaster! Egg Alert. Egg Alert. Egg Alert. We have an egg down. Repeat. We have an egg down. Well not so much down as spread, all over the inside of the microwave. I reach into the blast zone and retrieve a fragment of yoke "Do you think it'll be edible?" I ask my unlooking 10 year old son, who has that raised eyebrow that says "I told you so" and my mother is a tard look.. I did eat some egg at least. Shame about the timing. I've got to get that right. Many eggs may be lost in the struggle but I'm gonna do it, damn it!
NOTE: the actual time is 30 seconds, not 3mins 30 sec. I may just have saved your eggs today! *bows* this has been a public service announcement
Going back to the McMuffin, how do they get the egg perfect like that everytime? Is it that they buy them frozen like that and just reheat them or are they actually cooked on the premises? I don't know. Well, now you know I like eggs but I also like gadgets. OK, so now put the two together and you have Egg-Gadgets, that's right and I'm up for a cheap gagdet now and then.
Well, I kept the instruction on the card and put the device away until I required an egg next. Not for several weeks I have to say and by that time I'm sorry to say that the instructions were nowhere to be found. "I have it!" I shout, running like a possessed geek to the computer "t'net will 'ave it" (for suddenly I've adopted a Northern accent) and into Google I do type "microwave egg poacher instructions" and there I do find some instructions. 4.5 minutes on a 600 watt microwave at 50 per cent power. My stomach is rumbling really bad because last time I ate was lunchtime and it's going dinner time now
So now I'm well up for some egg to go with the garlic toastI'm cooking in the oven (that are just almost cooked). So I make some quick calculations in my head: I have an 800 watt oven.( or was it 1800 watt, Oh no all these numbers) I have no idea what formula I should use to calculate this but like every idoit who doesn't know how to program their own vcr much less their microwave I authoritatively dial in the first number that comes into my head (3mins 30 sec) pretending there is some scientific pretext.
I stand proud. On goes the light, round goes the turntable and my stomach shouts "FOOD!". I think to get a plate, take the toast out of the oven and arrange them (leaving a nice roundish shape for my lovely well-formed egg disk to go into). "I think I'll just..." BOOM KAPOW! Oh no! Egg disaster! Egg Alert. Egg Alert. Egg Alert. We have an egg down. Repeat. We have an egg down. Well not so much down as spread, all over the inside of the microwave. I reach into the blast zone and retrieve a fragment of yoke "Do you think it'll be edible?" I ask my unlooking 10 year old son, who has that raised eyebrow that says "I told you so" and my mother is a tard look.. I did eat some egg at least. Shame about the timing. I've got to get that right. Many eggs may be lost in the struggle but I'm gonna do it, damn it!
NOTE: the actual time is 30 seconds, not 3mins 30 sec. I may just have saved your eggs today! *bows* this has been a public service announcement
Monday, April 12, 2010
Randomness
It's been awhile since I've posted anything. I've been in a lull with all that has been on my mind. I'm slowly cataloging what I have and what I can sell. I don't have much of value inside my home. My house itself is the only thing of real value i have.I refuse to get rid of my Hello kitty collection. >^_^<
I'll miss it =**(
I keep telling myself once all moved, married, and i readjust I won't think twice about it. honestly, this house is the ONLY thing I will miss back in Michigan. I don't have any good memories here my 40 years . I hope with new surrounding's I will make new friends, new hobbies, and a better outlook on life.
Blue( my Russian blue kittie) goes in May 3rd to get all her shots, Heart worm, and flea treatments for the year done, and cap's put on her claws so when we moved and get all new furniture she cant claw it all up into a shredded mess.
I am looking forward to my complete life style change with my husband. He knows me in ways no one else does in this world . For that I am thankful =)
I haven't been writing with my brain all a clutter. Wow , has even taken a back burner. 2 weeks we are going wedding dress shopping and hopefully I'll find one I like and fit into that weekend.
The concept of me..wow..married..is all surreal to me still. Watch I'll be a zombie in shock at my own wedding...lol
Later on we have decided to do the wedding we want later on considering what we really want isn't something we don't want his co workers, family at..giggle's. The wedding we are having in July is a military one, held at the military base where I will be relocating to. Once my house gets rented or sold whichever comes first.
He bought a camcorder yesterday so we can record the wedding, and so eventually I can get back into my video blogging, and video editing hobbies I once had many , many years back. He decided to do so after a conversation we had about how i was sad i never got many pictures of my kids the past 5 years and most of my sons short life. Well, that will change .
it's late. I'm sleepie's and my mind is swimming.
I'll miss it =**(
I keep telling myself once all moved, married, and i readjust I won't think twice about it. honestly, this house is the ONLY thing I will miss back in Michigan. I don't have any good memories here my 40 years . I hope with new surrounding's I will make new friends, new hobbies, and a better outlook on life.
Blue( my Russian blue kittie) goes in May 3rd to get all her shots, Heart worm, and flea treatments for the year done, and cap's put on her claws so when we moved and get all new furniture she cant claw it all up into a shredded mess.
I am looking forward to my complete life style change with my husband. He knows me in ways no one else does in this world . For that I am thankful =)
I haven't been writing with my brain all a clutter. Wow , has even taken a back burner. 2 weeks we are going wedding dress shopping and hopefully I'll find one I like and fit into that weekend.
The concept of me..wow..married..is all surreal to me still. Watch I'll be a zombie in shock at my own wedding...lol
Later on we have decided to do the wedding we want later on considering what we really want isn't something we don't want his co workers, family at..giggle's. The wedding we are having in July is a military one, held at the military base where I will be relocating to. Once my house gets rented or sold whichever comes first.
He bought a camcorder yesterday so we can record the wedding, and so eventually I can get back into my video blogging, and video editing hobbies I once had many , many years back. He decided to do so after a conversation we had about how i was sad i never got many pictures of my kids the past 5 years and most of my sons short life. Well, that will change .
it's late. I'm sleepie's and my mind is swimming.
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