learning how to live instead of dying.

*yawns*


I have been as of late. Workign on my self modivation skill's . In perpation of my precieved life style change once i move. Either if i don't move it is still a postive change in my day to day life. So, I will attempt to continue with it reguardless of the move.


I have been going to bed before midnight. No more staying up til 3 am dead tired , can't sleep mind racing. If it chooes to race i do so in my bed in the dark , eyes closed trying to retrain my brain to shut the hell up. Its time to sleep.

Every mornign I have a new routine of getting up at &:30 am..get Gabe up modivated as well to do morning activites befroe school. Where as before I crawled back into bed. I turn on my tv, make a pot of coffee, and start my 30 minute ( or more if i can push myself) to walk on the tread mill. yes I use the tv to distract my brain to not focus on the fact I am exercising. afterwards, I come on my facebook, fetlife, and blog and write while I eat my break fest. I try to make sure i do all this before 10 am . Usually in the past I didn't bother to keep a plan because I never went anywhere so why bother?

New routines I have are: dishwasher unloaded in the am, dishes washed at night and loaded and ran( if full) Another bad habiat I am trying to recurb so make it more managible then I have in the past.


I cut out certain foods but I am not on a diet. Yes, like many depressed people who sat for many years on the PC I gained alot of weight. Not enough for others to think Im over weight but enough to make me unhappy and very noctible to myself just how out of shape I am anymore. I notice the helth issues i am gaining because of it also. I dont want to be a fat, unhealthy, lonely, old lady with nothing to show for her life .



A friend recently said. "Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die."

I completely understand what he was saying and he is right. I have been slowly dying , day by day. Bit by bit. I have allowed it. Trainig myself to live when I have spent my entire life daily dying is going to be hard and painful, but in the long run. worth it. I am thankful for friends like him in my life now. I havea great deal fo respect for this friend. They want nothign from me , no hidden Agendas, no secret crush, no emotional dumping ground. it is very refreshing. I want more people like this in my life. I want to be a person like this in other's lives.