I am more then I am allowed

13 days....

13 days i get to be a wife for 3 days

I get to feel like a matter in my husband eyes for a few days and feel devoid til December til I see him yet again for maybe 3 days once more....





I have had a few relationships .Only 2 started them long distance.



Only one of them (current one) transitioned to being in-person (after about a year dating )I stated to my then friend( now husband) developing into a lover/BF I can not allow myself to get involved in a LDR .In my opinion, the longer a relationship goes without some form of in-person component , the more the relationship becomes about your fantasy of your relationship than about the real person who is your partner.You aren't interacting with their in-person quirks and annoyances, things like that. You're idealizing them, and they're idealizing you. The person you're falling in love with: that idealized version of your partner, no tthe real person who is your partner .



For that reason, I have a rule: if there isn't a concrete solution to why you're separated in the first place within 6 months, then it's never going to be a real relationship. That doesn't mean it wont last for a while, it means it wont ever be a serious life-partner type relationship.I also stated to my husband before marriage I won't do LDR we either make this work or we don't do it at all. I won't be a LD wife/gf/lover to anyone. I've waited my entire life for completeness, security, the wholeness of a 'family" component being isolated and separated just makes me worse.



That said ... that doesn't mean you can't have a successful long distance relationship .It just means you have to recognize the different aspects for what they are, and address them for what they are. Either I'm your full time wife or I'm some girl you're screwing hundreds of miles away. Take your pick so I know where I stand.

Frustrated

My husband never talks about the little things about life. I feel like big chunks of his life are a mystery to me. If wanted to know what he did on a daily basis: what he ate, where he slept, what his leisure time was like. He thought all of that was too boring to share, so I have to drag details out of him. Usually I get one-word answers. I eventually will give up trying to picture what his life is like while he's downrange.

I blogged about this not long ago and two comments come to mind. He can picture me sitting at my desk, eating in my kitchen, doing my hair in the bathroom because these are familiar things, so he has a visual. For me, I have no visual, so unless he sends tons of video/photos I have nothing to help me "see" what he's doing, so I ask questions - 'whats the chow hall like?" "what are you eating?" "how are the bathrooms?" "describe your room.". When I have to frame of reference my mind tries to create ones, which if left to it own accord will be drawn by fears and insecurities.

The second comment that comes to mind is friend that replied, "Sounds like your husband 'forgot to unpack his adjectives'. Which totally crack's me up.

I love him dearly though.

Power of Choice

Repost here


Power of Choice

by MiSensualPet 9 months ago

I am grateful for reconising and embracing the greatest power within all of us

The greatest power that you hold is the power of choice, because every choice you make dictates every result you get in your life – good or bad. And most importantly, every decision you make starts in your mind.

All of us start out with this incredible power, yet so many give it away by refusing to step up and be accountable for their decisions. Sadly, most people choose to be a victim of circumstances and others, and never recognize that they are choosing that position.

Look at some of the most successful people in the world, or even those that are around you, and you’ll find one thing in common – those who are consistently successful and happy do not choose the role of victim.

Allowing yourself to take on that role robs you of your ability to change your circumstance. As long as you feel that the problem or reason is “outside of you”, you instantly yield your personal power, and become the result of someone else’s choices. The moment you decide it’s your responsibility, the world literally shifts for you.

I began practicing one of the most powerful habits I have a few years ago, every time I ran into a situation where something didn’t go the way I had hoped. Instead of looking around for someone to blame, or some excuse to justify it, I would simply ask myself, “What role did I play in this?” I was reminded of this ritual I have today and I am grateful for the reality check. Not because the person who gave it to me was trying to show love or support. In the end . I found it for myself.

While most of us would like to believe it’s “never our fault” when things go wrong, the fact is we almost always have some responsibility when things go wrong. Whether it’s a business relationship, a marriage, or anything else, the willingness to accept your part is the difference between living in power, or living in regret.I grew up with my freedom of choice stripped away from me and I fought everyday for every ounce I claim today.

When you’re honest with yourself, you’ll find a lot of situations where you did play a part .. and the moment you’re willing to accept it, that allows you to then learn from that experience.When you learn you grow, and the chance's of making the same mistake's is lessoned.

You get to choose whether you play the victim, or the victor – and your understanding of the power of choice will dictate almost everything happens in your life!

You are making choices every minute of your life – what to think about next, how to feel, where to place your attention, and what you’re going to say. The quality of your life is determined simply by the choices that you make along the way.

For this huge freedom I am grateful.

who wants to carve and existance with me

I posted this over a year ago to my blog ranting about how much I hated beign single.


I am sharing it here *shurgs * I don't know. In case someone, someday..read's my ramble's.

Saturday Evening after very confusing a dispute with a close personal friend at Wicked.I stayed up til 5am sorta just...staring at my walls and disparaging in my loneliness. And I realized breifly....



I fucking hate being single.

All of my relationship archetypes I envision are ones where I can just be stupid and young. Sleep in naked under the sheets in the morning sun, stay up late, get up early, "learn how our bodies work," dream together, fail together, and build a life together. Is that too much to ask?

I just want someone who has the same vibrant and beautiful aspirations, someone who can appreciate my darkly sexual side and my passionate romanticism, my youthful emotions and self discovery, who carries a dictionary vocabulary, style with a capital S, and I want someone who knows we live in amazing time period.

Someone self aware, who knows what self realization is and is working for it. Someone who is as lost as I am. Someone who doesnt care that I'm whiny, Im geeky, self loathing, that I hate organized religion, that I hate the smell of cigarettes but I love the smell of vanilla, that I'm moved by flowers, that I cry a lot, that Im far from fucking perfect but I make a beautiful disaster, that I have sexual binges, that I'm obsessive compulsive and neurotic but yet I can let all kinds of stuff slide cuz I'm compassionate or just damn lazy, that I'll listen to emo songs ad nasueum, that I swear like a sailor and love wierd, fucked up movies,write constantly, think far too deeply for far too long that I love Farmer's markets and museums, that I can waste hours playing video games and not give a shit, and yet through of all that...still loves me.

I just want someone who's self confident, who loves the person they are because they know I love them, who doesn't give a shit that we are making out in a 5 star restaurant and people are watching, someone who listens to shitty music and hates yet loves the world all the same with me, who wants to carve and existance with me that other people can read about and stare in envy and amazement. Someone who will grow old with me and at 80, we can still play Halo 2 on a game port and drink wine while laughing about all the wierd shit we did as kids. Someone who only shaves every few days cuz he knows I find his stubble strangely sexy, someone who actually wants to marry me and knows im a nut case and doesn't seem to notice one bit. Someone whos fiscally responsible and educated, but doesnt mind paying for something of quality.

Someone strong emotionally and physically, but given to his own moments of vulnerability and shows himself to me. Someone who makes me want to live all the more because being with them makes life seem inifinitely better. Someone who loves Spoken word but isnt a rapper. Looks deeper into the situation, but ins't a philospher.I want someone generational.

I want someone who understands this and me...because It's them.

But maybe that's just too much to ask for...







The somple reality of it all

"who wants to carve and existance with me "

I am just the Mommie. I can't be the Daddie.

The thing that no one ever asks, though, is what was it like to raise 2 children completely alone?. How did I explain to two children that their father wasn't ever coming into our life? How did I manage to stay level-headed enough to feed them every morning and put them to sleep every night when my whole life had crumbled to bits around me and there was no one else to step in and do it?

No one asks, because it’s too hard to explain. No one asks, because either you've done it yourself and you know how hard it is, or you've never even contemplated such a reality and so you don't even know how or what to ask. No one asks, because it’s just a given that a mother will always be there for her children, even when the father is not.

And when they do ask, I don't even know how to answer. All I know is that when I had my kids— a miracle of its own — I felt like my whole world began and had ended, and so I had my kids’. I remember thinking, How am I ever going to do this on my own? How can I possibly do this alone? And what’s going to become of my kids without a father?

I had decided in my mind I didn't want anymore children. Lots of reason why I explained but simple fact is. I don't want to raise yet another child without a father. However difficult my life was, at least if I knew that my child had a father. There was someone besides me who loved them as much as I did and looked forward to their progress each day. There was someone to coach them through the first-bottle stages and the learning-to-sleep-through-the-night stages, and someone to give them their first haircut. There was someone to assemble their cribs, and later their tricycles, and someone to teach them about cars and trucks and building blocks. There was someone to take them to their babysitter every morning and to read them stories at night. When people asked me how I'd managed to hold on to a dysfunctional life for so long, I said, “I do it for my kids.” And it is true



But there was no choice. Everything is left up to me. Diapering. Toilet training. Shopping for Lego's and Pokemons. Deciding when to start teaching blessings.. Buying the first bike, and realizing the blatant truth at every birthday for my children. All on me. There was no one else around to help out, to coach and to teach, to make decisions with me. It was all, and I mean all, on me.

How am I supposed to do this all by myself, and do it right, too?
Left up to only me to make the decisions about when it’s too much dessert and when it’s time to start going to school.. And there are so many decisions to make, so many things to figure out. I sometimes feel like saying, I’ve never been a mother before. I never had a motherly role model. How am I supposed to do this all by myself, and do it right, too?

There are so many days when I'm just putting on an act, pretending that my heart is not crying out in pain and that we’re a normal family like any other. There are so many days when I don't know how I'm going to make it through till bedtime, when I feel like I've reached my saturation point and I can't possibly last another moment. Yet I keep going. I make it through the day, and I make it through the night, and then I make it through the next day and the next night.

I do it for my kids, because I know that they have no one else. Without a father, they need a mommy. They needed the sense of stability I provide, and he needs the sense of normalcy. Day in, day out, I teach my son to follow rules and to behave nicely, to treat each other respect and to treat Mommy properly. Day in, day out, I make supper and hug him at night, I do the laundry and I pick up the toys. I do it because it needs to be done, and if I don't do it no one else will. And I do it for them, because if I don't it won't get done.

I can't provide the other half of the parenting equation. I know I can't, because I've tried, and it doesn't work. But I can be a mommy, and I am a mommy. And I do the best I can, every day, to provide son with what he needs with everything I have.

Yes, it’s all on me. It’s a job that requires superhuman effort, this job of single-parenthood, but he need's – and I need him too

and that’s why I work so hard to achieve normalcy, for all of us. Because as long as our home life carries with it a sense of normalcy, of stability, I know they'll be okay.

Note: My daughter has not resided with me for the past 5 years now. So, while I write and Include her in my thoughts. She has not been part of our day to day household and activities for some time now. So if my writting confuses you sometimes... this is an explaination. I miss being able to raise her to adult hood, but sometimes our best efforts to be do the very best ...it is not enough.

A Wedding Without...filling the void.

I never considered this topic because I deeply believed I would never marry in my lifetime. Here I am. Oh, how life reminds us to never 'assume"

I have a very hard time around holiday's. many reasons why. Usually money issues, but the most profound impact on me emtionally because is it a very 'in your face kinda of way" that I have no family. The people who are 'supposed" to be my family I wouldn't let near my gold fish (if I had any) I don't need to go into very graphic details as to why.(It would take too long and I'm working on creating postive life experiences and not rehashing all my bad ones I have)


Me getting married is one time frame when I am once again reminded I am 'alone" Thankfully I have decided to not look at the lack of famila presense and focus on the fact my Husband loves and wants me ;and is willing to publicly announce it to all his family, friends, and co workers. Thats HUGE to me.Words can not even begin convey.

People I considered my 'friends" I did invite have yet to rsvp to tell me they are not coming, but I am very prepared they won't either.Who knows maybe one or two will surprise me.

And, of course, underneath my emotionality, I realize that where money or health is concerned, rational decisions are a large priority over my daydreams of a “perfect” day.


Small, but simple.Thats fine with me. More my style anyways . The real priority should be trusting the one person who should matter in the grande scheme of it all and their decision in marrying me in the first place.

It’s a small success that today I don’t feel nearly as blue as I did last week, but I am still struggling to feel excited about our wedding again with the knowledge that I yet again am drudging through my life moments, looking back and finding vast emptiness.

learning how to live instead of dying.

*yawns*


I have been as of late. Workign on my self modivation skill's . In perpation of my precieved life style change once i move. Either if i don't move it is still a postive change in my day to day life. So, I will attempt to continue with it reguardless of the move.


I have been going to bed before midnight. No more staying up til 3 am dead tired , can't sleep mind racing. If it chooes to race i do so in my bed in the dark , eyes closed trying to retrain my brain to shut the hell up. Its time to sleep.

Every mornign I have a new routine of getting up at &:30 am..get Gabe up modivated as well to do morning activites befroe school. Where as before I crawled back into bed. I turn on my tv, make a pot of coffee, and start my 30 minute ( or more if i can push myself) to walk on the tread mill. yes I use the tv to distract my brain to not focus on the fact I am exercising. afterwards, I come on my facebook, fetlife, and blog and write while I eat my break fest. I try to make sure i do all this before 10 am . Usually in the past I didn't bother to keep a plan because I never went anywhere so why bother?

New routines I have are: dishwasher unloaded in the am, dishes washed at night and loaded and ran( if full) Another bad habiat I am trying to recurb so make it more managible then I have in the past.


I cut out certain foods but I am not on a diet. Yes, like many depressed people who sat for many years on the PC I gained alot of weight. Not enough for others to think Im over weight but enough to make me unhappy and very noctible to myself just how out of shape I am anymore. I notice the helth issues i am gaining because of it also. I dont want to be a fat, unhealthy, lonely, old lady with nothing to show for her life .



A friend recently said. "Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die."

I completely understand what he was saying and he is right. I have been slowly dying , day by day. Bit by bit. I have allowed it. Trainig myself to live when I have spent my entire life daily dying is going to be hard and painful, but in the long run. worth it. I am thankful for friends like him in my life now. I havea great deal fo respect for this friend. They want nothign from me , no hidden Agendas, no secret crush, no emotional dumping ground. it is very refreshing. I want more people like this in my life. I want to be a person like this in other's lives.

Sunshine and Rain

It takes both the sun and the rain to make a rainbow.

-author unknown.



I’m going to discuss a subject that now the clouds have lifting.Writing is my version of therapy. Words {lots of them} hold me by the hand as I work through a tangle of feelings and thoughts. These words have been written and rewritten over many days and still seem jumbled. It took months to realize the subject I was writing about. Then my pride got in the way and I’d delay hitting the publish button. After all, it’s pretty hard to give the impression of a perfectly happy life when discussing clinical depression.My dreary days and breakdowns – silly and serious – they have been my reality. I’m still one foot in, another out. But I have been exposed, my flaws so carefully hidden, revealed. Growth often hurts, but makes us stronger.


I want to see the good in thing. The big and little pieces that come together to make simple days extraordinary.But during the last few years I’ve felt just down right....well, barely breathing.

What is my problem? Is it the winter weather? Do I need to order one of those special lights?

Where did I go wrong? Wasn’t this what I wanted? I’d carefully plotted things out for my family. Single. Independent .I can to this ..who needs a Husband. I can be super mom. And yet this “mother going through the motions” was not a part of the plan.


I’m still not sure why I have been blindsided by this. One would assume that the majority of major depression I’ve experienced in my life occurred after My children were born.Was I intentionally going through the motions. It’s called survival. My “plan” was to slowly process my emotions while “doing,” rather than being hit by a Mack truck all at once. Ah, to be so naive.

I often walk the line wondering what is “too much” to share. This is the place where I come to honestly share the beautiful moments of life.. Yet I’ve come to the conclusion that if I don't include this and the other not so shiny parts, I would be leaving out details that good or bad, have shaped and molded me into who I am today. What I am writing about today has to do with me – not my childrenThis my story. A broken girl, living in a broken world trying to muddle her way through some deep “stuff” while still believing that in brokenness, there is hope.

So here it goes…

I found myself in over my head, fighting battles I though I had long since won. They blinded me like the sun and for some reason at the most unexpected times, I found myself staring at the fiery star.


But I did. I would get lost into my kids,School,chores,run errands , run a household,Play make shift support systems to countless strangers I called "friends", wipe noses, help little feet into pajamas, brush teeth, avoid going on “dates”.

Maybe I can do this.

Wait, I am doing this. We were going to be OK.

Then came the anger. I questioned my everything. Why did Courtney end up the way she had? Why did all my afforts and love magically seem to disappear and not matter anymore? Why was my family they way they where? and why was I sooo mad. Then sad. Lost somewhere in the middle.


Followed by the “what-ifs.” What if I never had kids.... What if i had a differnt parents?

I truly thought I had “dealt” with those feelings and was upset for dredging them up. I discovered that I need to be patient with myself. That with each milestone life brings, these feelings will probably crop up.

This isn’t a reflection of my feelings for children. I would never change a single thing that makes them who they are. It’s an act of letting go. Letting go of the script *I* had written for my life and embracing the one that was written for me, by the One who knows me. I’m still loosening my grip.

Then came the exhaustion. It was like nothing I had experienced. Round and round I went, making myself dizzy.

I don’t think I’m doing this whole mom thing right. I’ve needed so much help. Maybe I’m not cut out for this.

The real me doesn’t think like this. I’m confident. I don’t question my parenting, or the decisions I’ve made for my children. I know I can do this.

I used took so many pictures of my kids. Proof – they were happy. That while I was barely keeping my head above water, they were blissfully unaware. That life went on, and it was good.

I realized this was more than just “one bad day after another” when I stopped taking their pictures. No more laughter in our house is a red flag that something is wrong.

The storm has let up, maybe even passed. I question why it stayed so long. Perhaps I was walking along with it, caught up in my own rain?

I see glimmers of truth and hope. I could continue to believe the dark reasoning that it’s up to me to figure this out on my own. Or I can trust that I was made to be loved and through grace and mercy I will once again see that I am.I am however stubborn.


The sun was shining and I went walking with Gabriel. It felt good to stretch my legs and breathe in the fresh air. I intend to do that more often.

I noticed changes in me and my thought processes once I found myself oen day dancing while making lunch for Gabriel. Gabe giggled and clapped at the sight of his silly mommy. I used to always make up dances for my favorite audience. Somewhere along the way I stopped. Today we danced.

I pulled out my camera out of the cubboard collecting dust and started to take pictures again..............

In my Yesterday it rained. Today is sunny. Tomorrow looks even brighter.


I think it time I start to live again and breathe.

Many eggs may be lost in the struggle

Eggs are a great breakfast food aren't they? It's a pity about the cholesterol but they are pretty tasty to have now and again. I like the Egg McMuffin because of the round chunk of egg inside them, I like soft boiled eggs and dipping my toast into the golden yoke and I like the allure of the poached egg with its yoke veiled in a long white dress.

Going back to the McMuffin, how do they get the egg perfect like that everytime? Is it that they buy them frozen like that and just reheat them or are they actually cooked on the premises? I don't know. Well, now you know I like eggs but I also like gadgets. OK, so now put the two together and you have Egg-Gadgets, that's right and I'm up for a cheap gagdet now and then.


Well, I kept the instruction on the card and put the device away until I required an egg next. Not for several weeks I have to say and by that time I'm sorry to say that the instructions were nowhere to be found. "I have it!" I shout, running like a possessed geek to the computer "t'net will 'ave it" (for suddenly I've adopted a Northern accent) and into Google I do type "microwave egg poacher instructions" and there I do find some instructions. 4.5 minutes on a 600 watt microwave at 50 per cent power. My stomach is rumbling really bad because last time I ate was lunchtime and it's going dinner time now


So now I'm well up for some egg to go with the garlic toastI'm cooking in the oven (that are just almost cooked). So I make some quick calculations in my head: I have an 800 watt oven.( or was it 1800 watt, Oh no all these numbers) I have no idea what formula I should use to calculate this but like every idoit who doesn't know how to program their own vcr much less their microwave I authoritatively dial in the first number that comes into my head (3mins 30 sec) pretending there is some scientific pretext.

I stand proud. On goes the light, round goes the turntable and my stomach shouts "FOOD!". I think to get a plate, take the toast out of the oven and arrange them (leaving a nice roundish shape for my lovely well-formed egg disk to go into). "I think I'll just..." BOOM KAPOW! Oh no! Egg disaster! Egg Alert. Egg Alert. Egg Alert. We have an egg down. Repeat. We have an egg down. Well not so much down as spread, all over the inside of the microwave. I reach into the blast zone and retrieve a fragment of yoke "Do you think it'll be edible?" I ask my unlooking 10 year old son, who has that raised eyebrow that says "I told you so" and my mother is a tard look.. I did eat some egg at least. Shame about the timing. I've got to get that right. Many eggs may be lost in the struggle but I'm gonna do it, damn it!


NOTE: the actual time is 30 seconds, not 3mins 30 sec. I may just have saved your eggs today! *bows* this has been a public service announcement

Randomness

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. I've been in a lull with all that has been on my mind. I'm slowly cataloging what I have and what I can sell. I don't have much of value inside my home. My house itself is the only thing of real value i have.I refuse to get rid of my Hello kitty collection. >^_^<

I'll miss it =**(


I keep telling myself once all moved, married, and i readjust I won't think twice about it. honestly, this house is the ONLY thing I will miss back in Michigan. I don't have any good memories here my 40 years . I hope with new surrounding's I will make new friends, new hobbies, and a better outlook on life.

Blue( my Russian blue kittie) goes in May 3rd to get all her shots, Heart worm, and flea treatments for the year done, and cap's put on her claws so when we moved and get all new furniture she cant claw it all up into a shredded mess.


I am looking forward to my complete life style change with my husband. He knows me in ways no one else does in this world . For that I am thankful =)

I haven't been writing with my brain all a clutter. Wow , has even taken a back burner. 2 weeks we are going wedding dress shopping and hopefully I'll find one I like and fit into that weekend.
The concept of me..wow..married..is all surreal to me still. Watch I'll be a zombie in shock at my own wedding...lol


Later on we have decided to do the wedding we want later on considering what we really want isn't something we don't want his co workers, family at..giggle's. The wedding we are having in July is a military one, held at the military base where I will be relocating to. Once my house gets rented or sold whichever comes first.

He bought a camcorder yesterday so we can record the wedding, and so eventually I can get back into my video blogging, and video editing hobbies I once had many , many years back. He decided to do so after a conversation we had about how i was sad i never got many pictures of my kids the past 5 years and most of my sons short life. Well, that will change .


it's late. I'm sleepie's and my mind is swimming.

Remebering Truth's

I am reading Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outlier's right now. And Boy, does that guy ever how to change someone's world view. Each time i finish one of his books, my preception of life shift's.

This time around the book reminded me that everything we come into contact with, whether it is a realationship, a challenging situation. it gives us an oppertunity to choose how we want to look at it, and how we'd like to use the energy of it ( constructively or destructively) to meet our goals.

He call this the ability to "customize" our surrounding to meet our needs. In thats paradigm, we never again have to be the victim of someone else's cjoice's: instead we become the matser of our own design. In order to make this leap, especially when the ecperience drags us down( Ie: bad break up, stress at work) we must remember one thing.

TRUTH IS RELATIVE