Anger

&^%$% I'm pissed. I am so angry I feel consumed by it. More so, in the past week. I need to stop. Give up..and walk away. Nothing is going to change by myself. Can't fix what both don't want to fix.I can't make someone act as if they care and love me. Either they get or they don't.

I'm dealing with a lot of anger and resentment these days. I'm angry that this is happening to me. Angry that Randy get's to live his life easily without me. As, if I don't exist. He can easily just act as if I am nothing more then I had been to date. Someone he plays wow with.

No one can understand how badly I just want him to call and tell me this is one huge mistake. A big terrible mistake. I would do anything to make this all just go away.And do what it takes to make things different. Change. Not all these weak cowardly excuses *shrugs* and silence. The silence kills me, Eats away at my very core, my spirit. If you don't care even about what your supposed to hold dear...what will you? The only excuse I can seem to understand is that it isn't that important to him as it was to me.


I'm mad because I thought Randy good person and believed he'd never make me feel the we he has.That when he made all those promises he intended and had the fortitude to keep them to the best of his abilities. He just doesn't seem to care to keep a single one. It all been one big lie after another and I got taken.

Why am I still here? Randy has his career, his friends, his family..a lot more to live for in this world....I have done nothing.I have no place anywhere, but to just wait to exist some where..to someone. I am tired of being disposable, throw away, and insignificant. For once I had hoped I mattered.

Its the weirdest thing to look at pictures of my husband and feel so distant....so detached. I'm mad at myself for feeling like I don know my husband anymore. I'm mad I can't reach through and just touch him or pick up my phone and call with all this pain inside. I'm forgetting what his smile looks like in person. It has been over 2 months since I last saw him. Last time I kissed and hugged him. Do you know how mad that makes me. Knowing that no matter how hard I want or beg for it....I can't have it. I had my whole life planned out in my mind with him. Now I have to start over , again. Alone. End a life I feel like I just started.

Now its all gone. All taken away. This makes me furious beyond belief because if anyone deserved to live their life in some moments of happiness. It was us 3. Now it won't ever be. I am alone in so many ways. Life, love, communication, support, affection...all absent and gone.It's not fair. I want to scream!Just disappear permentally as I have to others minds and lives.


I am sure he has his own anger also, but he does nothing to bond with me emotionally. Talk, communicate, let any type of emotions out about how he feels . He just shuts the doors, and ignores and leaves me sitting in silence alone. Simple things like getting on the cam and smiling, or calling to say I miss you, or take an active direct role in addressing the fact he is VERY well aware I am extremely sad, lonely, and depressed...instead he withdraws, ignores, and silence..


When we are together we don't act affectionate either. No sex, or cuddling, or tenderness. No hand holding, romantic silliness that newlyneds or people in love do. No snuggling just to be close to one another..no tender kisses, touches, or anything that makes me feel as i am beautiful ..to him.When we do attempt to cuddle its when going to bed and I crawl up on him and force myself on him. Never does he start it, offer it because he knows I need it or even desire on his own. Did he really want a wife or just the paperwork of one?


Nothing more invalidating them making me more isolated and disconnected. What else am I to do? You you make feel as I am nothing..then I am exactly that Nothing in your mind. Why should someone stay to just be nothing?

Why am I really angry? Probably the underline issues for me seems to be. He does nothing to make feel he loves me. I can't make him feel it either.